Three Minutes: Peeing On A Stick

Three minutes. Peeing on a stick is the longest three minutes for a woman. And the new First Response tests? Why is the handle so big!? Why did they curve them!? Yes, it’s been a long time since I used a pregnancy test. My husband had the big V when Littles tried to kill me. Like, less than a month later. You listen when your OB says do not have any more children because you may not survive the birth.


Doing this brings up so many emotions and memories. None of my births were easy. Bubba was an emergent c-section due to fetal distress. I’d been induced and went through 12 hours of back labor first. He ended up in the NICU because he was dehydrated and couldn’t hold his temp. Yes, he was full term. My water was broken for 8 of those 12 hours. I believe that he was without fluid too long, plus the distress. NICU moms are badass, y’all. I had my first baby who just needed a little help and I was a wreck seeing him with an IV in his head. They had preemies who were fighting for their life and looking at long term NICU stays. I admire their strength. I ended up with an infection at my surgery sight, and got very sick. That was a week in the hospital for both of us.

Smash’n’Break- the spinal block didn’t work on the inside. Want to know what a c-section feels like? No, you don’t. Really. Trust me on this. It fucking HURT. And fuck the anesthesiologist who said I was just feeling pressure. No, ass cactus, I’m not supposed to be able to kick my OB. And I could. And I did. Sorry, Doctor. But that did get me knocked out. Poor Plus One – I went from whisper-screaming to nothing. He thought I died. Then I snored. Smash’n’Break also had a big head and they had to vacuum him out. Yes, he was a c-section baby that was vacuumed out of my uterus.

Littles. I was so scared. Littles was a welcome surprise because I was too afraid of another c-section to try for another baby.  Side note – breastfeeding isn’t birth control. The doctors actually mean that when they say it. Littles birth was a dream. I felt nothing. Not even pressure. They let Plus One stay with me until I was going to recovery. Littles was there with us, of course. Called my parents to tell them he was here. Brothers met. It was perfect. And then, it stopped being perfect.

I normally don't tell people how close I was...this about sums it up. I almost didn't get to see my kids grow up.
I normally don’t tell people how close I was…this about sums it up. I almost didn’t get to see my kids grow up.

I was in more pain than I remembered from the other two. So I waited longer to try to stand up. It took me 6 hours instead of 4 to try to stand up and walk. That hurt, too. I felt off. I got back in bed, and fainted. All the nurses come in my room. I fainted another 3 times from “massaging” my uterus.  My blood pressure was 60/30. Something was wrong. They did an ultrasound to see what was going on. They could tell there was something wrong there. Too much blood or leftover placenta or something. Okay. Let’s do an emergency D&C. Anesthesia stat. Who walks in but the ass cactus from Smash’n’Break. Fuck. I think I was able to say goodbye to my husband and baby, but it was “go now!” type of emergency. He heard a nurse say as I was leaving “This is what moms die from.” Yay happy times!


My depiction of Ass Cactus.
My depiction of Ass Cactus.

They are putting me in stirrups as Ass Cactus is getting me ready. The last thing I heard was my OB telling Ass Cactus that if I feel so much as a poke, he will be castrated. I love my OB. Three surgeries and 8 hours later, I wake up in ICU. I’m told to not move because there is an IV in my femoral artery, and my chances of surviving will improve drastically if I survive without any more surgeries for the next 24 hours. When I ask if I’ll be okay, they tell me they don’t know. I had a placental accreta. It grew through my (thin) uterus and attached to my abdomen wall. When it was removed, I started to bleed out. They did the D&C, an exploratory surgery, and finally a vascular surgery with MRI-type imaging. I’m fuzzy on details and don’t really want to know. Twelve units of blood products later, they hope the magic foam (my term) they used to stop the bleeding works. I’m separated from Littles while in the ICU. The wonderful nursery workers snuck him down to me twice in the 4 days I was in ICU. My mom brought me my other kids with Plus One’s help. The nurses looked past the rules for me. They brought me pictures of Littles and his blanket. They brought me a pump. Plus One helped me pump milk while I was flat on my back. They took care of him while I couldn’t.  Plus One did take care of him, but he also had 2 kids at home and me in the ICU. He had it harder than I did.

Littles is an amazing little boy, I am so lucky to be able to hold him. Plus he makes me "coffee".
Littles is an amazing little boy, I am so lucky to be able to hold him. Plus he makes me “coffee”.

I was eventually released back to L&D and reunited with Littles. Yay! I felt like my world was right again. I was sent home after a week in the hospital. My fantastic FIL and SIL flew from Florida to Colorado to help. I honestly don’t know what we would have done without them. They helped keep the kids, cooked, cleaned. They were a lifesaver. I was released early because he’s a nurse and could help me. I had a drain that I had to empty multiple times a day. I had to measure the output. I was still scared that I would bleed out at home and die. Post partum depression and anxiety hit hard. That will be a later post. Just know it’s real and it’s a bitch.

Whew. Hey look! Ten minutes went past. Better go read the stick. Seriously, this bendy curved design makes light bounce all over the stick…

One line.


So why am I sad?