Category Archives: Laughs

Sharknado Party Ideas & Recipes

HAPPY SHARKNADO DAY!

I love campy SyFy channel movies.  The shark ones are the best.  Well, Lavalantula is a close second.  But Sharknado?  Oh. My.  God.  Seriously.  I look forward to Shark Week, because it’s awesome and fun, but it also means SHARKNADO DAY IS COMING!  And SyFy now does it for a whole WEEK!  Squee!  Trailer Park Shark, Toxic Shark, Sharktopus – all awesome.  I’ve recorded so many of them.

I’ve passed my love of all things Sharknado onto Smash-N-Break.  He is obsessed with sharks and sharknados right now.  Obsessed.  He asks Alexa, my Echo Dot, a bunch of questions about sharks.  Where do they live?  What’s the biggest one?  How do you spell Sharknado?  Can I keep one as a pet?  Where can I see a shark?  So, naturally, he wanted to celebrate Sharknado Day.  Bubba, Smash-N-Break, and Littles pretend to fight Sharknados.  Bubba is Fin, naturally.  They know the song.  They sing the song.  Alexa knows which song it is, too.

How do you celebrate Sharknado Day, you ask?  Well, you watch all FIVE (five – pinch me, I’m dreaming! FIVE movies now!) movies in one day.  You plan a menu around sharks, sharknados, and a weapon of shark destruction.  We will also try to build a shark puzzle.

First, we have Shark Attack punch.  It’s pretty easy to make.  Blue Hawaiian Punch, Sprite, with drops of Grenadine.

Snack wise, we have Sharknado Chips.  Other people call them Bugles.  Boring.  Sharknado Chips is better.

We also made Shark Bait.  Popcorn, Reese’s Pieces, and Vanilla chips.

Chainsaws.  What would a Sharknado party be without a nod to Tara Reid’s chainsaw hand!?  Red, white, and blue Twinkies (blood spatter) with a pretzel rod.

Shark Tooth Pizza.  You cut pepperoni into triangles and make a pizza.  I may also make this into nachos.  That’s a flour tortilla cut into a triangle, baked in the oven to make it crispy.  Then, top it off with sauce, cheese, and triangle pepperonis.  I haven’t decided yet.

The piece-de-resistance is Blood in the Water Sharknado cupcakes.  You have to find blue velvet cake mix, or make your own cake and dye it blue.  Then, squirt something red into the cupcake after it’s baked.  I just used frosting.  Frost it like normal.  Take a sugar cone, cover it in royal icing.  Squish it into the cupcake.  Fill the cone with frosting, and add gummy sharks.  Sharknado cupcakes!

So, now, go out and enjoy the awesomeness that is Sharknado.  And eat junk food, too!

Happy Sharknado Day!!!!

The Duke of Ashol

I’ve started calling Littles The Duke of Ashol. Say it slowly, and imagine me swearing. I love my child so much. That said, he’s kind of an asshole. Here are the Top 10 Reasons Why He Is Now The Duke Of Ashol.

The Top 10 Reasons Why Littles is The Duke

#10: He. Never. Shuts. Up. He narrates everything he does. When he isn’t narrating, he’s asking inane questions. “The building only explodes when it has a tornado inside it.” “What’s Moana’s name?” “Moana.” “No! What’s Moana’s name!?” Repeat infinity.

#9: “Nuffin”. This is his answer every time we ask what he’s doing, especially when he’s doing something he shouldn’t. Which, since he’s 3, is everything “Littles, whatcha doing?” “Nuffin!” *feet stomping away in a wild flurry of nuffin*

#8: Him and YouTube kids. For example, he wanted to watch troll haircuts. So he yelled into YT Kids “troll haircuts”. The voice recognition software heard dog haircuts. So he then yelled “I said troll haircuts not dog haircuts gimmie troll haircuts!”  And I mean yelling as one word at the top of his lungs. When it errors out because 3 year old yelling, he then goes “ugh” and throws the iPad.

#7: When I do something he doesn’t like, he tells me I’m a bad mommy. Then tells someone else. Then tells me he “telled on me”.

#6: He has such epic tantrums that people have asked us to be removed from Walmart. WALMART. You don’t even need real clothes to shop there, but Littles behavior apparently crosses the line.

#5: He says no to almost everything. The one thing he says yes to is the fact that he has to argue with everything I say.

#4: He will ask for a specific dinner. I will make it. He will then push it away, proclaiming it to be “p-yucky”.

#3: He complains if we look at him in the morning if it’s “too early”. His definition of “too early” changes daily.

#2: He’s mean. I fell asleep on the couch. His answer to this is to slap the shit out of my face. He then screamed “wake up” at me. And giggled.

And the #1 reason why Littles is the Duke: He’s 3.

Ass Strep

School started for everyone recently!  This means new germs in the house!  Yay!  I love getting sick!

Warning:  I don’t pull punches or censor myself.  Read at your own risk.

A Rash Harkens Doom!

About two weeks ago, Littles had a diaper rash.  He’s my third, so I figured I could get rid of it on my own.  It hurt him, and he would beSick Littles in tears as soon as his diaper was wet, convinced he had pooped.  If he pooped, the tears were bigger.  I fought this bad boy as much as I could, but it would not go away.  Baking soda baths, air time, changing him constantly, was using water instead of wipes, bag balm, Neosporin, you name it.  It would not go away.  And it looked funny.  It was just around his little butthole.  It looked like a combination of someone bleaching their butthole and doing a chemical peel on it at the same time (I warned you).  Some mornings it looked like chorizo was spread over his butthole.  While I am battling this, I get diagnosed with strep.  I didn’t think anything of it.  I keep the fight going.  Plus One gets diagnosed with strep.  Okay, well, we sleep together and I snore a lot.  I probably breathed it on him all night.  No big deal.

Then, Bubba tells me his throat kinda hurts.  I am giving up on the diaper rash from hell, and figure if I have to take one to the doctor, let’s get that looked at so I know what to use on it next.  Bubba has strep now, too.  Okay, he’s a carrier, so he usually tests positive anyway.  Plus One calls because Smash-N-Break’s throat now hurts, too.  Great.  My pediatrician is like Oprah.  You get a strep, you get a strep, you get a strep.  I’d rather have a car, lady.  But, wait!  There’s more!

Its Really Just The End Of Your Throat (Think About it)

madsicklittlesThe diaper rash wasn’t a diaper rash.  It was Ass Strep.  Okay, the doctor just called it strep.  I’m calling it Ass Strep.  And we all got infected with the Ass Strep.  When Littles started this rash two weeks ago, I got strep bad enough there was a pus pocket in my throat that popped when they did the culture.  Littles loves me.  He loves drinking my water, and poking my face, and shoving his fingers in my mouth when I’m talking.  I didn’t think anything of me having strep with what I thought was a diaper rash.  I wash my hands after every diaper change, every bathroom trip, etc.  I wash them constantly!  My hygiene is pretty good, I think.  But, this rash was Ass Strep.

While I’m sick with strep, I let the kids play like kids.  They got dirty.  Bubba takes showers most of the time, because he’s older and is responsible.  Plus 3 kids in a tub is a tight squeeze.  But, Smash-N-Break and Littles share a tub.  But there was one night that Bubba wanted a bath.  See where I’m going?  I put the Ass Strep in the tub, and then washed Smash-N-Break and Littles (and Bubba one night) with the Ass Strep Water.  I never used the same washcloth on Littles butt and any other body part, but it’s in the water.  Smash-N-Break is a picker, too.  So, all his bug bites he picked open to bloody scabs, and they were in the Ass Strep Water.  You can imagine how they look right now.  Plus, Littles and Smash-N-Break are young – hygiene isn’t always high on their list.  They’re also boys, so their hands are always in their pants.  Ass Strep was easily spread.  So, we all have Ass Strep.

Alls Well That Ass Well

We are all now on antibiotics.  Well, I’m not as I have already finished my 10 day course.  I hope I don’t get re-contaminated with Ass Strep.    I also have two tubes of antibiotic ointment for the Ass Strep.  One is labeled for butt, one for body.  I have to put that one Littles and Smash-N-Break three times a day.  Smash-N-Break has a smashandbreaksicklot of scabbed over bug bites.  I hope one tube will do it.  Tomorrow will mark everyone else being on antibiotics for 24 hours.  The decontamination of our Ass Strep bathroom will commence, complete with fresh new toothbrushes for all 5 members of the Adventures Family!  Bleach water solution for everything that isn’t machine washable or dishwasher safe!  I can’t wait.  (That was sarcasm – I can think of a million other things to do than deep clean a bathroom on a Saturday morning.  All of which start with coffee.  One even involves running and Legos.)

Plus One asked me where Littles could have picked up Ass Strep.  Duh.  He licks public.  No, that’s not a typo.  He licks public.  Give the kid anything and he will lick it or put it in his mouth in some fashion (SPD).  If the object doesn’t go in his mouth, his thumb does.  He sleeps with one hand down his pants on his butt (outside the diaper) and a thumb in his mouth.  How an Ass Strep pandemic hasn’t happened at our house before is the miracle!

Isn’t parenting glamorous!?  Admit it – y’all are jealous.  Damn Ass Strep.

Paw Patrol – Proof Stoners Write Kid Shows: Part 1

So, kid shows fascinate me.  I swear, the job description must be something like: “Wanted – creative drug addict to write impossible truths that are suitable for our most impressionable minds.”

Littles is a cuddler.  He will come over and demand I sit down.  How can I say no to a demanding two year old going “Mama – sit down!”?  I can’t.  This leads me to watching kid shows sometimes, and trying to make them make sense in real life.

I can see it now in the Nickelodeon Studios.

<queue echo effect flashback>

72a21-nickelodeon_studios_florida


Stoner Dude:  So, I have an idea.

Executive:  Okay, what is it?

Stoner Dude:  There’s this cult leader, but he’s like a kid.  And he killed his parents to inherit their money to build his cult.  Wait, do you hear an echo? No? Well anyway…He calls it Adventure Bay, so it’s nice and normal.  He builds houses and businesses, and starts to recruit cult members.  He gets this dumb lady who talks to chickens, this old lady who has a pet raccoon, the weird fisherman dude who only speaks in alliteration.  The rival cult leader is in a town full of dentists, okay, and he has EVIL KITTENS!

Executive:  I can market that, but we need more people.  Also, what will fight the evil kittens?

Stoner Dude:  Okay.  How about a farmer?  They need food. And, cult kid needs a protege and a child bride, but it’s okay because he’s a child, too.  So, bring in the protege as another boy kid, and he needs a parent.  But not like a parent parent.  He needs an old dude who has accepted his role in life is to put up with the protege.  I need munchies, so the old dude can bake.  The child bride will bathe the evil kitties.  Or normal kitties.  Yeah, that makes more sense.  And let’s add a stoner dude ski bum.

Executive:  Again, what fights the evil kitties?

Stoner Dude:  WONDERDOG!

Executive:  That’s been done before.  What about a team of dogs?

Stoner Dude:  YEAH!  They do normal stuff, like dig and collect trash.  And since cult kid killed his parents for their money, he can create rocket ships for the dogs!  And a robot dog to drive him around, because he’s a kid, you know. I swear I can hear an echo…try it with me. ECHO! See? No? 

Executive:  Okay.  It’s a town, so it needs some basic services.  Police, fire, trash/recycle, construction dogs.  I’ll add a flying dog, a ski patrol dog, and an ocean dog.  Let’s dial the rocket ships down some.  How about they have trucks, planes, and an RV?  No chauffeur, though.

Stoner Dude:  He needs a robot dog or I won’t let you use my idea!

Executive:  Okay, robot dog to drive things.  Trucks, planes, and an RV okay, though?

Stoner Dude:  Yeah, and make sure that cult kid lives at the top of Adventure Bay to keep an eye on his cult.  But, don’t make it obvious like a church.  Give it a not obvious steeple, ok?

Executive:  Space Needle, got it.  Can the dogs talk?

Stoner Dude:  Yeah, but not the EVIL KITTENS.  They have to mew.

Executive:  Sounds like a plan.  Now, what does Adventure Bay look like?

Stoner Dude:  It has everything!  Oceans, whales, lighthouses, skiing, snow, mountains.  But no dentists.

Executive:  Okay.  You mentioned the dentists live in the rival town.  We’ll make an episode where it’s mentioned, okay?

Stoner Dude:  Can we add a GIANT STUFFED DOG!?

Executive:  No, let’s discuss the giant stuffed dog as a different show.  Let’s keep the cult kid as Paw Patrol, ok?

Stoner Dude:  This show is awesome…seriously do you hear an echo?

 


<end echo effect flashback>

And, just like that, Stoner Dude created Paw Patrol.

A Meme Tour Of My Brain

Like Shrek, I am also an onion. When you peel it, more onion.
Like Shrek, I am also an onion. When you peel it, more onion.

 

Littles is proving this to be very...very true. Sob
Littles is proving this to be very…very true. Sob

 

This is how hubby reacts to spiders...all bugs really.
This is how hubby reacts to spiders…all bugs really.

 

I need lots of patience. No more than that. Starkiller Base amounts of patience.
I need lots of patience. No more than that. Starkiller Base amounts of patience.

 

I still think its a cookie. Until I chip a tooth biting it, I won't believe it.
I still think its a cookie. Until I chip a tooth biting it, I won’t believe it.

 

I do love supernatural...and would totally do this.
I do love supernatural…and would totally do this.

 

You have been warned.
You have been warned.

 

Did I mention I needed patience. You deal with 3 little boys and 1 bog one!
Did I mention I needed patience. You deal with 3 little boys and 1 big one!

 

I also like dad jokes...a lot.
I also like dad jokes…a lot.

 

Yeah...its true.
Yeah…its true.

 

Almost there. 2 almost fully trained! The end is in sight.
Almost there. 2 almost fully trained! The end is in sight.

 

Boy moms, you will get this.
Boy moms, you will get this.

My Coffee Adventure Inspiration

Today’s Adventures Before Coffee inspired me to actually start this blog. You’ll see why. I have to share my level of crazy-insanity. I laugh at myself. Others should laugh at me, too.

I think of myself as a Powerpuff girl who requires coffee to maintain her powers.
I think of myself as a Powerpuff girl who requires coffee to maintain her powers.

I’m a hot mess mom. I admit it. There are days that I’m WITH IT. On top of it all, house is spotless, kids are getting along great. That’s rare. Most days are more like today. I’ve got less than a week until the end of tax season. I should be doing more returns (6 to go!). It’s a part-time gig I do for myself that I find fun. (I TOLD YOU I was crazy!) I got Bubba off to school already. So, I go to get ready to work. Put water in the coffee maker – check. Smash-N-Break, stop jumping on the couch – check. Open the cupboard to get a cup – check. Push the button – check. Seriously, Littles and Smash-N-Break, STOP JUMPING – check. Feed the dogs – check. OKAY, KIDS, REALLY STOP JUMPING! – check. Get coffee. Oh, I don’t have any. I must have forgotten to push the button. I do that. It’s like my children eat my brain. Let’s grab a cup and do it this time. Hmmm. Why is the button not working? Oh, it’s not shut completely. Okay, it’s perfectly shut. Still not working? My coffee maker can’t be broken! Oh no. Anxiety is setting in. Seriously – Littles even has his own play Keurig and makes me coffee. I can’t NOT have coffee. Wait. I smell coffee. Where is my coffee? Did I put it in the microwave already? Nope, not there. Haven’t done dishes yet this morning, so it’s not in the sink or dishwasher. Wait. I put away the kids’ milks from this morning. I bet it’s in the fridge! No. Uh oh. Am I really that dumb? Am I really Homer Simpson level SMRT today? *Places finger into the drawer that catches excess liquids* “Oh snap” (I actually said that, did I use it right?). I AM that dumb.

I didn’t put the cup under my coffee maker. It’s one of those Bunn coffee makers that takes K-cups. (Yep, I don’t care about the environment either. Those tiny little plastic cups just make fantabulous coffee.) In all honesty, I don’t know what the hell I did with the coffee cup. It’s entirely possible and likely that I opened the cupboard, grabbed one, put it back, and then went and pushed the button. Kids are zombies, yo. They eat brains. I also didn’t just remove the drawer that catches the excess liquids. Oh no. In my non-caffeinated haze, I unplugged the whole machine and moved the whole thing. I dripped coffee from the coffee maker to the sink. So, I had to mop, too, after cleaning up all the coffee mess. This is why my coffee is always cold before I get to it. I get distracted. Oh, look a bunny!

I’m learning to embrace the hot-mess that I am, while striving to be a better mom and wife to my kids and hubby. I’ve got Bubba (he’s 7), Smash-N-Break (he’s 4), and Littles (he’s 2). Plus One has been my hubby for 14 years, and we’ve been together for 18 years. Perfection is overrated. Reality is better. I want to share my flaws and craziness. I’m a whole lot more Pinterest Fail than Better Homes and Gardens. I’ll share those with you, too. Seriously – laugh with me at myself. It’s more fun to share that way.

By the way, I did finally succeed in making a cup of coffee. I even had some of it while it was hot!