School started for everyone recently! This means new germs in the house! Yay! I love getting sick!
Warning: I don’t pull punches or censor myself. Read at your own risk.
A Rash Harkens Doom!
About two weeks ago, Littles had a diaper rash. He’s my third, so I figured I could get rid of it on my own. It hurt him, and he would be in tears as soon as his diaper was wet, convinced he had pooped. If he pooped, the tears were bigger. I fought this bad boy as much as I could, but it would not go away. Baking soda baths, air time, changing him constantly, was using water instead of wipes, bag balm, Neosporin, you name it. It would not go away. And it looked funny. It was just around his little butthole. It looked like a combination of someone bleaching their butthole and doing a chemical peel on it at the same time (I warned you). Some mornings it looked like chorizo was spread over his butthole. While I am battling this, I get diagnosed with strep. I didn’t think anything of it. I keep the fight going. Plus One gets diagnosed with strep. Okay, well, we sleep together and I snore a lot. I probably breathed it on him all night. No big deal.
Then, Bubba tells me his throat kinda hurts. I am giving up on the diaper rash from hell, and figure if I have to take one to the doctor, let’s get that looked at so I know what to use on it next. Bubba has strep now, too. Okay, he’s a carrier, so he usually tests positive anyway. Plus One calls because Smash-N-Break’s throat now hurts, too. Great. My pediatrician is like Oprah. You get a strep, you get a strep, you get a strep. I’d rather have a car, lady. But, wait! There’s more!
Its Really Just The End Of Your Throat (Think About it)
The diaper rash wasn’t a diaper rash. It was Ass Strep. Okay, the doctor just called it strep. I’m calling it Ass Strep. And we all got infected with the Ass Strep. When Littles started this rash two weeks ago, I got strep bad enough there was a pus pocket in my throat that popped when they did the culture. Littles loves me. He loves drinking my water, and poking my face, and shoving his fingers in my mouth when I’m talking. I didn’t think anything of me having strep with what I thought was a diaper rash. I wash my hands after every diaper change, every bathroom trip, etc. I wash them constantly! My hygiene is pretty good, I think. But, this rash was Ass Strep.
While I’m sick with strep, I let the kids play like kids. They got dirty. Bubba takes showers most of the time, because he’s older and is responsible. Plus 3 kids in a tub is a tight squeeze. But, Smash-N-Break and Littles share a tub. But there was one night that Bubba wanted a bath. See where I’m going? I put the Ass Strep in the tub, and then washed Smash-N-Break and Littles (and Bubba one night) with the Ass Strep Water. I never used the same washcloth on Littles butt and any other body part, but it’s in the water. Smash-N-Break is a picker, too. So, all his bug bites he picked open to bloody scabs, and they were in the Ass Strep Water. You can imagine how they look right now. Plus, Littles and Smash-N-Break are young – hygiene isn’t always high on their list. They’re also boys, so their hands are always in their pants. Ass Strep was easily spread. So, we all have Ass Strep.
Alls Well That Ass Well
We are all now on antibiotics. Well, I’m not as I have already finished my 10 day course. I hope I don’t get re-contaminated with Ass Strep. I also have two tubes of antibiotic ointment for the Ass Strep. One is labeled for butt, one for body. I have to put that one Littles and Smash-N-Break three times a day. Smash-N-Break has a lot of scabbed over bug bites. I hope one tube will do it. Tomorrow will mark everyone else being on antibiotics for 24 hours. The decontamination of our Ass Strep bathroom will commence, complete with fresh new toothbrushes for all 5 members of the Adventures Family! Bleach water solution for everything that isn’t machine washable or dishwasher safe! I can’t wait. (That was sarcasm – I can think of a million other things to do than deep clean a bathroom on a Saturday morning. All of which start with coffee. One even involves running and Legos.)
Plus One asked me where Littles could have picked up Ass Strep. Duh. He licks public. No, that’s not a typo. He licks public. Give the kid anything and he will lick it or put it in his mouth in some fashion (SPD). If the object doesn’t go in his mouth, his thumb does. He sleeps with one hand down his pants on his butt (outside the diaper) and a thumb in his mouth. How an Ass Strep pandemic hasn’t happened at our house before is the miracle!
Isn’t parenting glamorous!? Admit it – y’all are jealous. Damn Ass Strep.